10 Reasons NOT To Go Abroad (Satire Alert!)

By Andy

************************************Satire Alert! *************************************

There is a growing trend of American men going abroad for not only vacation, but dating and marriage. Some spend a good portion of the year abroad for work or relaxation while others move abroad permanently. For them it seems to be an enjoyable and liberating experience, but there is still a plethora of reasons NOT to go abroad. The following are surefire reasons to stay within the comforts of home, and to continue that narrow view of the world.

1.  Travel abroad. I don't want to travel abroad, it's too far to travel for spending a vacation. I've never been abroad but I know darn well it's too much of a hassle to get to the airport, go through security, sit in an uncomfortable seat for many hours and arrive someplace where English isn't the local language. I don't have time to learn a foreign language, anyway. Besides, I can just stay stateside and visit immigrant communities. I don't feel safe traveling outside the U.S. I want to spend all of my vacation time at the beach, a place I  visit every other weekend.

2.  Passports. I don't have time to get a passport, those things are too expensive, anyway. As if I didn't have enough forms to fill out already. Besides, I gotta save that money on buying dinner for land whales, the latest gas-guzzler, fast food, and living in the McMansion I can't afford. All the other countries are poorer than the nice neighborhood I live in, I'm not downgrading from the good thing I've got going for me!

3.  Healthier food. It's ludicrous to even contemplate traveling abroad for better tasting and more natural food. It's also too hard to find organic food here. I don't have time to waste, driving around searching for overpriced, healthy food, I'm hungry. Fast food is much more convenient and it tastes delicious! Over 99 billion served, gotta be doing something right! I'm not concerned about an expanding waistline, I can just buy bigger clothes and always keep up with the latest fashion trends. I'm sure I'll be big enough to fit into that XXXL Michael Jordan jersey I've always wanted!

4.  Foreign women. I'm not interested in foreign women, they all would just want to take advantage of me being an American, and marry me for a green card. I'm sure that the reason women are much more beautiful and fit is because they are all prostitutes. C'mon, it's too good to be true. They have to look good, but really, they have no pride. That's the real reason guys are going abroad, pay for play! They can't handle "real" women here. Gosh, how can guys who travel abroad, be so superficial? Travel abroad is for shallow people!

5.  More genuine people abroad.  Mary doing a striptease for Joseph, didn't I just talk about this already? Ok, even if all those beautiful women abroad are not dating for money or a green card, they are way too intimidating for my tastes. That femininity, great fashion sense and thin figure is so outmoded and makes me uneasy. I like my women hefty, pierced like crazy, tatted up, clad in pajamas and obnoxious. Don't get me started on that chopped hair, because that drives me wild!

6. Better dating prospects abroad. What lazy suckers these guys are for traveling abroad, thinking they're in a much better position to "win" there than back home. They just don't want to put in any work on developing game. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a place like Eastern Europe, risking breaking my neck looking at all the beautiful model-like women in every direction. What a health and safety hazard! So what if they would continue to not get dates for a few more months or another year by staying home? Dating in America is just like the job market, you'll get rejected a hell of a lot before being accepted. So get in the long line and prove yourself to the extremely rare good girl that comes along once in a blue moon. I have an even better idea. Just WAIT and do NOTHING. The right one will come along when you're on your deathbed. Just stick with it!

7. More respect abroad. No, thanks. I want to stay home and be treated like I don't exist by the local women. I see being treated as a creep and a moron as a badge of honor. Nice guys finish last, so I'll be waiting in the wings for that used-to-be hotty who turned me down, then got fucked n' chucked by countless Mr. Assholes. I'm so looking forward to marrying Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2011, sex once every ten months, having her hate me for no reason and having her divorce me in under a year while taking me to the cleaners in court. Hey, that is the path to me becoming a celebrity as I'll definitely be on one of those daytime court TV shows. If I end up going to prison for failure to pay alimony or a false accusation, no worries. I'm guaranteed meals and a place to sleep. The only minor adjustments I'll have to make are not dropping the soap and sleeping with one eye open. Details!

8.  Better well-being abroad. Ah, all those people in other countries, having intellectual conversations, walking everywhere and being outdoors just proves that they are all cheap, poor and lead boring lives. Here I've got the best satellite TV package and all the on-demand internet streaming outlets one could ever dream of! There is never a dull moment when I come home from my dead-end job. If I go abroad, I'm not going to have access to all of that. Staying at home guarantees my fat ass stays entertained.

9. Revered chivalry abroad. Being in the matrix, I live in a box, and I can tell you that chivalry is dead. What happens here in The States sets the tone for the world. I'm not interested in getting a woman flowers, having candlelight dinners or long walks along the river. PUA taught me to not show any interest in a woman. I just have to play the game and she'll come to me, right after she goes out on a date with the criminal banker. Reverse psychology is gold in the dating game. Besides, with feminism, I am now equal with a woman, and I'm adamant on equality! She can open her own doors and buy her own damn chocolates!

10. The American Dream. This is the most glaring reason not to go abroad. You can't realize the American Dream abroad. It's the American Dream, not the International Dream. People in other countries have no dreams. That's why the USA is the best country! I want to live among the tract housing in some brand spanking new cookie cutter subdivision in a sprawling mid-size city. It is my dream to be a slave to my job, so I can give all my money to my heffer of a wife and our kids who keep me awake at night, and whom I won't see after the divorce. Why be happier abroad when I can live the American Dream at home, right here in 'Murica? America! Hell yeah!

So, as you can see, it really isn't worth the time and effort to travel abroad. Stay home and continue to hone your skills at dodging lateral thinking. Positive change is too disruptive. Keep living in a box and stay in your boring and predictable comfort zone.