Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why Men Cheat on Women They Love: An Explanation to Women

I've often been asked by women, including my own girlfriend, why men cheat on women that they supposedly love, as though it were some perplexing unfathomable mystery. 

Sometimes, the question is rhetorical, but in case it’s not, I’d like to provide the following simple analogies to answer this common question asked by women, which is not unexplainable at all. It’s just that oftentimes, women do not accept the explanations. But in fact, one can understand it through simple analogies and common sense.

Of course, sometimes men cheat on their wives or girlfriends because they don’t really love them anymore, are bored with them, or even possibly unhappy with their relationship. In such scenarios, even women can become unfaithful. But in general, men are more likely to cheat than women are, statistically speaking. This has been confirmed by studies and research as well as common sense experience, and not really in dispute.

However, many men also cheat on women whom they love and are happily involved with. It is these scenarios that perplex many women, and so I offer the following series of explanations and analogies to help them understand the reasons. I will simply tell it like it is straight, with no bull, tact, or political correctness.

Basically, it’s like this:

1. Some men thrive on variety, new experiences and stimulation in order to be happy.

Men and women are fundamentally different and hardwired differently too. We all know this but liberals and feminists try to suppress or deny this universal fact. One of the many differences between men and women is that men tend to crave variety and seek novelty, while women prefer familiarity. Thus men will naturally desire variety when it comes to romantic/sexual partners more than women will, generally speaking. But this doesn't mean that all men will cheat though. Some men are more geared toward monogamy than others. So it depends on the individual man as well.

They get bored by the same thing every day or a routine, which gets old to them, and they are afraid to voice this. Imagine this. Suppose you ate your favorite pizza everyday. One the second day that you ate it, the pleasure would be noticeably less than the first day. And after a week of eating it, you’d get tired of it and start to strongly desire to eat something else. Your desire for that pizza will have reached overkill at that point.

Or, imagine wearing your favorite outfit every day for a week. After a while, you’d get sick of it and want to change into different clothes, even if you wash it every few days, right?

The same applies to any number of examples as well. Even if you went to the wonderful Disneyland for the first time and experience the wonders and magic of it, with each subsequent time you go, the pleasure, excitement and novelty of it all decreases with diminishing marginal returns, technically speaking.

Now, I know what you are thinking, “You can’t compare food or clothes with people” right? That’s the typical female reaction to this analogy. However, I’m sorry to say that this analogy does apply, because it’s one of the best and simplest ways that it can be explained. I am not trying to objectify people. But by accepting such an analogy, it will start to make sense to you.

Also, men are more visually stimulated than women are, comparatively speaking. And when one relies upon visual stimulation for arousal, the stimulation wears off at some point, which then requires new stimulation from new women. Get the drift? In other words, visual stimulation is a sensual thing that is fleeting in nature and requires constant variety in order to maintain the stimulation. Thus, men who seek visual stimulation will require variety from more than one partner or lover.

Now, you might try to argue that “true love” never gets old. But the notion of “true love” is undefinable, very personable, and highly subjective. And even for the sake of this argument, if we agree that “true love” never gets old and never wears out, that still doesn't change what we’re talking about here. You see, even if a man has true everlasting unending love for his partner, he can STILL desire another female he fancies. And explanation # 2 below gets more into that. That’s what you've got to understand, rather than cling to naïve clichés of society.

Just for the record though, yes there is the kind of deep everlasting love between couples that never wears out and keeps them together happily. That does exist. And it exists in my relationship too. However, even a man who has that can still desire multiple partners or extramarital affairs, and the next explanation, # 2, explains why.

2. The next thing you have to understand is that whereas a woman’s heart tends to be able to love only one man at a time, a man’s heart is different and CAN truly love MORE than one woman at a time.

I know this is hard for some women to accept, and unfathomable to their values and beliefs about “love”. But it is the truth. A man’s heart is different, or can be different in some men that is. It simply CAN and depending on the individual, sometimes DOES have multiple chambers that love and desire multiple women. It’s like a tree with different branches, rather than just one. Men who are like this though, usually won’t admit it, because our society doesn't accept this, but condemns it.

To try to understand this, think about all the different colors you love. Suppose you like pink and sky blue, or red, blue, black and purple. Now, can you like more than one color at a time? Of course you can! It is not mutually exclusive. You like the different colors in different ways, on different things, and for the different ambiance and mood that each color accentuates, right? Likewise, you can like more than one type of cuisine right? Can you like Chinese and Italian food at the same time? Of course you can. Even if society said you could only like one type of cuisine, it wouldn't make a difference would it? After all, society may attempt to create mutually exclusivities, but reality doesn't.

There are an endless amount of such examples I can give, but you get the point. I know these are painfully obvious examples, and I am not arguing that people are like colors or food, but such simple analogies DO in fact describe what’s going on inside those who love more than one person or like having many lovers.

Therefore, just because a man tells more than one woman that he “loves her”, desires her, or has feelings for her, does NOT make him a “playboy” or “liar”. He is not necessarily “playing” in terms of acting, nor does it mean he is using people in some sort of pretend “game” where he doesn't care about their feelings. 

These are just false judgments by society (especially a feminist or female dominated society like modern America has become). And he is not “lying” to them or being dishonest either. He is simply expressing REAL multiple desires or love to multiple women. He really is in fact capable of feeling the emotion of love or desire for different women. But of course, he often has to keep that a secret, except from others who are the same as him, because society condemns this.

That’s it in a nutshell. I know to some women, that does not make sense and does not fit their definition of love and loyalty. But it’s the truth. That’s reality and you’ve got to accept it if you want to try to understand it. Not all men unequivocably attach loyalty to true love. Society might do so, but not all human beings do.

What some people have to understand is that being in a loving monogamous relationship does NOT automatically erase one’s desire or attraction for other people.

Of course, men who have multiple partners or are Casanovas often do have to lie to the women they romance, by telling them that they are the only one when confronted with the issue. So that is one area in which they commonly lie. 

However, it does not make them dishonest people in general. It’s just that since most women cannot accept that their partner can pursue someone else beside them, demanding total monogamy in love, these men with multiple desires for multiple women are FORCED to have to lie in order to prevent chaos and failure in courtship. There is no easy way around it. And that is the case even if they are generally honest men. (After all, who hasn’t lied? Everyone has at one time or another, so stop pretending to be an angel!)

Now, loving/desiring multiple women has nothing to do with right or wrong, or being good or bad. It is simply a lifestyle and often these men are simply expressing who they are. Nor is it deviant maladaptive behavior, but natural and normal for some, depending on the man. 
Thus, infidelity does not make a man “bad” in a moral sense. Often, these Casanovas who romance multiple women are tender, caring, good-hearted, loving, nurturing people. Some are even deeply spiritual or religious (such as St. Augustine, the eloquent author and mystic of the early Christian Church) or Renaissance men who are highly intellectual (such as many Italian and French men commonly are).

Some might try to argue that a man who desires multiple women is not feeling love for them, but lust. However, that argument is highly subjective, since the line between love and lust is blurry, undefinable, and subject to personal opinion. There is no universal objective measuring stick for differentiating between “love” (which has so many different meanings anyway) and “lust”. Others argue that a man who finds a woman that he truly loves with all his heart will never desire or even look at another woman again. 

Now this might be true for some men, but it is not true for all. So these folks who utter this (which includes men themselves) are mistakenly assuming that all men are like them. In reality, a man can find the perfect woman who outshines the rest in his life, and can even have a perfect relationship with her, but still look at another woman he finds attractive and desire to court her, romance her, and experience the wonders and pleasures of her femininity as well.

3. Some men get a “high” or adrenaline rush from courting, romancing, or seducing new women, in a way that nothing else can, and thus are addicted to it. 

For men who crave variety, the excitement, stimulation, and novelty they get from it makes them feel alive. They live for the thrill of the chase, and new conquests feed their male ego and sense of worth. It’s similar to those who get an adrenaline rush and high out of roller coasters, extreme sports, skydiving, climbing Mt. Everest, or putting themselves in danger’s way. They get this pleasurable feeling and high that makes them feel alive in a way that no other way does. Thus, they need to do these things, even if it means risking their lives foolishly.

Those who don’t derive pleasure from such things may think that those who do are crazy and cannot understand why they get pleasures out of them. You might have heard about how many people die every year trying to climb Mt. Everest. And you might think they are crazy, but remember, those who climb it say during interviews that there is a pulsating desire in their blood to climb it that can’t be understood by those who don’t have it. This desire is so deep and a part of who they are, that they are willing to risk their lives in extreme danger for it, and unfortunately many of them lose their lives attempting it.

For some men, being around beautiful women is a surreal experience beyond words that never gets old. It puts them in a trance like state of nirvana in a way that nothing else can. I can tell you from personal experience that having a tall sexy gorgeous attractive “hot” female in a bikini next to you, with your hand on her waist or back, feeling her smooth silky skin is a nirvanic heaven-like experience that no words can do justice to. It’s simply out of this world. Not even the love, joys, and pleasures of a perfect wonderful monogamous relationship can compare to it, which is not the same and does not give you the same type of high or sense of aliveness (and yes I've experienced the joys of both lifestyles). 

I hate to sound so juvenile, but it’s true. This is why some men shun the life of a monogamous relationship or family life, preferring instead the life of a “sex playboy”, such as the kind that Hugh Heffner, founder of Playboy Magazine, lives. Of course, since most men in America, including those who are rich and handsome, can’t live the life of a Hugh Heffner, they can do so in other parts of the world that allows them better opportunity to do that. But either way, the desire is there.

Of course, if this becomes an addiction, then no matter how many “conquests” a man attains, he will always feel lack and need more. There will never be a point where he is satisfied and then he can move on. Addictions are very hard to permanently cure of course, and being addicted to sex, love, or having new women everyday is far more difficult to quit than drugs, alcohol or smoking, because the former has to do with internal chemistries that are a part of our body, mind and psyche, while the latter has to do with outside foreign substances.

But alas, there is no perfect solution or answer to everything. It’s not right or wrong. It just IS. Some things in life are just meant to be endured, not fixed or solved like an equation.

I hope that these explanations and analogies above help the female asking why men cheat on their lovers, to better understand what’s going on, even if they can’t accept them.

Relationship psychologists have argued in media and books that just because a desire or instinct is there, whether by genetics or conditioning, does not mean that one has to “act” on them. Technically, that is true. But at the same time, if one is never free to “act out” who they are, or live one’s desires and passions, then life can become a suffocating prison barring who you are, making you long for “freedom”.

Of course, there are some who need to live and act out who they are as a form of self-expression, while there are those who don’t need to as much. Thus, there will always be those who would rather take risks, than live a lie and not be allowed to be who they are.

Thanks for reading.

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